Last updated December, 2017. note: our free guide to mindfulness and meditation really is free - no email or registration required. The link is at the bottom of the page. It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Kevin writes: "I have a quick temper, and I find myself getting angry often. I meditate off and on - usually when I'm stressed - and I like what it does for me. But, I need to figure out how I can use it to get over my anger, especially at other people when I feel 'wronged'?" Anger comes into being because something is happening that we don't want to be happening. Or, because something isn't happening that we do want to be happening. Maybe it's a barking dog. Or, a scratch on your car. Or, a hole in your favorite shirt. To use your example, you perceive that someone has treated you badly. Perhaps someone was rude to you. Or, they made you feel threatened or attacked. Regardless, you feel "wronged" and you have a desire to make that feeling go away. This desire gives rise to thoughts and emotions that ultimately condition our behavior and dictate our actions. These actions might be to keep everything bottled up inside. This can have serious consequences, however. To return to your example, if you choose to suppress or bury anger, it can surface in other ways: stress, aches and pains, illness, unhealthy mental states. Or, you may project it towards others. We've all had situations where we are mad at one person (for instance, our boss or a co-worker), and take it out on another (for instance, our spouse or children). But many of us don't bottle it up. Instead, we decided to do something - and, that "something" will probably be pointed and confrontational. After all, you're attacking a perceived threat (or, defending against one). So, our actions might be to argue, blame, lash out, or become physically aggressive. No matter what we do, the process that leads to our actions unfolds quickly. The thoughts, emotions, urges, and other mental activity that arise in relation to the original situation tend to sweep us away, and - as a result - our behavior is usually automatic and instantaneous. In other words, our reactions are habitual and don't leave room for much skillful contemplation. We take the bait of our minds, and drop into the patterns of retreating or attacking. But, if we learn to strengthen awareness through meditating, we can slow this process down and learn to observe it without getting caught up in it. Instead of giving in to the urge to reply, attack, or defend (or quietly seethe), we can watch that urge as it comes into being, exists, and ceases. Is it uncomfortable? Sure, especially at first. But, the discomfort isn't permanent either. It, like all of our mental activity, arises and passes - provided we don't give it fuel to persist by indulging it. Meditating allows us to see the temporary nature of all phenomena directly. We can watch it all unfold in a controlled environment (i.e., sitting and practicing), and - as we get better at it - we can transfer this ability to a non-controlled environment (i.e., daily life). As we learn, first-hand, that we no longer have to get caught up in (be a victim to) mental activity, it becomes easier to apply that knowledge to challenging situations in the real world. And, our compulsive minds cease dictating who we are and what we do. The key to seeing benefits, however, is developing a consistent practice. It's not a "spot fix" you only do when you get stressed. Instead, you have to do it every day. It's like building a muscle through exercise - you can't just do it "now and then" and expect to see results. The good thing about meditation is that it's simple. The bad thing is, most people don't realize it. There are so many misconceptions, and meditating is often steeped in mysticism and complexity: chanting, sitting in funny positions, trying to stop thinking and/or trying to control your mind. But, it's none of that. What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. < note - on our site last week, we published "Meditation explained in 60 seconds." Click the link for a simple explanation you can share with family and friends. Last updated July, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out our 15-day meditation challenge: "Your inner narrative". It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Cynthia writes: "I'm going through stressful times, and frankly I am finding it too hard to meditate. I can notice my thoughts when things are calm - but, when things are not calm, my ability to observe vanishes. At that point, if I force myself to meditate, I get more upset, more stressed, more angry than before. I've been trying for a few weeks now - any advice?" You said you can notice thoughts when things are calm but not when they are stressful. Let me rephrase that for you: you are saying you can meditate unless it's too hard to meditate! You aren't alone. It doesn't apply only to you, and it doesn't apply only to meditating. To the contrary, it's the case for most of us, and it's the case with most things in life! When conditions are good, it's easy to do the things we are supposed to do. When conditions aren't good, it's hard to do the things we are supposed to do:
It's important not to look at meditating as a "quick fix" or spot treatment: you can't just do it sporadically and expect meaningful benefits. You have to build a consistent practice and do it every day - whether things are going good or not. Especially if they're not! This consistency and repetition will improve your ability to observe your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity, and it will strengthen awareness so you can see everything as it unfolds. As a result, you learn not to get caught up in all of it. The more you do it (sit and practice), the more you will be able to carry that skill into stressful times and use it. Put another way: practice makes perfect. Though, technically, perfection isn't skillful to strive for - so, practice makes better. You also said meditating causes you to get more stressed, upset, and angry. Realize that meditating doesn't cause these thoughts, emotions, or mental states - it simply strengthens awareness of what is already there. So, by definition, you become more aware of your mind, your racing thoughts, and whatever they give rise to: stress, anxiety, depression, problems with focus, and so on. But, again, it's already there whether you meditate or not. While you can't run from it, you can ignore it - but that's not a healthy option. The thoughts and emotions will end up manifesting in different ways:
The good news is, meditating doesn't ignore it - it treats the root cause. When you practice, your job is to:
Moving your attention away is the critical part, and meditating helps you develop this skill. Through a consistent practice, you learn that none of the mental activity is permanent. Your mind will try to convince you that it is - but, you can directly experience that it isn't. You can learn to observe it all as it comes into being, exists, and ceases. Or, as we're fond of saying, you can watch it all pass the same as you watched it all come - just like clouds moving across the sky. The reward that comes from a consistent practice is you no longer get lost in the drama of your compulsive mind. And, as a result, you can live a happier, more peaceful life. "Your inner narrative"How do I just “let things be”?
“Your thoughts about the situation cause you to suffer more than the situation itself” — what does that even mean? How do I get proper instruction in meditation and mindfulness? “Your inner narrative” — our 15 day meditation challenge — answers all these questions (click here to read about it). Last updated August, 2021. We keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the end of this article to learn about our newest program, "Instruct your brain." It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Brian writes: "When you discuss mindfulness, you talk about the present moment. What does it mean to be in the present moment? Aren't we by default always in the present moment?" Yes, technically speaking, we are by default always in the present moment. At least, your body is always in the present moment. The question is, where is your mind? Your mind has a tendency to do one of three things:
There are several problems with not being present. First, you aren't focused on the task at hand. At least part of your attention (sometimes a major part) is focused on something that isn't actually happening. As a result, your time and energy are not being fully utilized here and now. Second, you cause yourself to suffer. Some of the suffering is obvious: dwelling on the past leads to regret and depression, worrying about the future leads to stress and anxiety. What about daydreaming and fantasizing, though? How is that bad? You are creating an alternate reality for yourself - a reality that you deem more desirable than your current situation. You are rejecting the present moment - but, at some point, you have to return to it. And when you do, you probably aren't going to be happy. The bottom line is here and now is the only place you can ever experience life! Watch yourself for the rest of the day and see where your mind takes you. Are you focused on the present moment? Or, are you in the past, future, or some alternate reality? The good news is, when you cultivate mindfulness (strengthen awareness) you ground yourself in the present moment. You spend less time regretting, worrying, and fearing. You spend less time filled with stress and anxiety. And, you focus your attention and efforts on what you are doing now:
Whatever you are doing, be completely present with it. The more time you spend in the present moment, the more you realize that happiness, peace, and contentment isn't something you find "out there." To the contrary, it's all right here and now. You just need lo learn to focus your attention on it, and quit getting caught up in the stories of your mind. Instruct your brainIf your nervous system is in a constant state of high alert, your quality of life will suffer dramatically. Whether it's chronic pain, sleep problems, gastrointestinal disorders, or a plethora of other symptoms, your brain can wreak havoc on your body.
We can help you calm down your nervous system and improve your quality of life - click here to find out more. This article was last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Renee writes: "I want to be able to eliminate my bad, destructive thoughts. Is there a certain type of meditation I should practice to help me do this?" This is a variation of the most common misconception that exists when it comes to meditating: that you are supposed to stop thinking. Meditation is not about
If you try to do any of these things, you will meet with frustration and quickly give up the practice. And, to Renee's specific question, the "Ironic process theory" states that if you deliberately try to eliminate certain thoughts, you will actually think about them more. For example, try not to think about a pink elephant. Okay, including a picture of one at the top of this article makes the exercise more difficult. But, even without the picture, you would most likely be thinking about a pink elephant right now! Trying to suppress thoughts, trying to force yourself to think only positive thoughts, and trying to completely stop your mind from thinking are all fruitless ventures. The good news is, you don't need to do any of that! Thoughts are just thoughts. It isn't the content of your mind that matters, it's how you let it condition your behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is where meditating can help, provided you practice equanimity when you do it. Equanimity dictates you view all thoughts impartially, and don't label them "good," "bad," "positive," or "negative." Exercising a non-judgmental view is key to realizing the benefits of mindfulness and meditation - so, hold the intention to stop judging the contents of your mind! Thoughts are just thoughts. They come into being, exist, and cease - provided you don't build a story around them which perpetuates their existence and gives rise to more thoughts. And, provided you don't try to cling to "these" and push away "those." Your mind constantly attempts to do this, and labeling only makes it easier:
When you meditate, strive to notice your thoughts without prejudice. Strengthen your awareness, and see them for what they are: temporary phenomena that come and go, like clouds moving across the sky. Instead of getting caught up in them, you can choose to simply let them pass by (let them be as they are, independent of you and your attention). Thoughts are just thoughts. They hold power over you only if you let them. They hold power over you if you blindly follow them wherever they lead. Unfortunately, people generally go through life like this - they operate on autopilot, being pushed and pulled around by their minds. As a result, their daily existence is mired in what we refer to as "the struggles of life":
Mindfulness and meditation help you escape these struggles. As Guy Finley says, The only reason your mind won't stop its endless chattering is because you won't stop listening to it. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Julie writes: "As I understand it, meditation teaches you to not get attached to things. Is that healthy? I don't want to end up as someone who is unattached and unfeeling towards my friends and family." NON-ATTACHMENT VS. DETACHMENT The question above highlights a common misconception. Most of us don't understand "non-attachment," and mistakenly think of it as Julie described - uncaring and unfeeling. They equate it with a cold, callous attitude, and an inability to love and appreciate other people and things. This better describes "detachment," however. Detachment is a defense mechanism that people employ to keep from feeling emotions. Non-attachment, on the other hand, means acknowledging and accepting what arises (feelings, thoughts, emotions, urges, etc.) without getting caught up in any of it. It means not indulging thoughts and emotions, because indulging only serves to perpetuate them. It means not following your mind down a path that culminates in conditioned behavior, and habitual actions and reactions. This is what we strive for in meditation. Equally as important, non-attachment means you don't try to make something temporary into something permanent. EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE Impermanence is a fundamental truth whether we choose to accept it or not: nothing lasts unchanging over time. If you "attach" or cling to something that is temporary, you will suffer when it changes. This applies to anything in your life - people, places, things, experiences, situations, relationships, et cetera. A full understanding and acceptance of the transient nature of reality will lead you to a deeper appreciation for everything. You can be in relationships, you can enjoy things and experiences, you can love and be loved - but, now you do it with the realization that nothing is permanent. As such, you cultivate the ability to be more present with the things that are meaningful to you. There is a story from the book "Thoughts Without A Thinker" that illustrates this understanding: "You see this goblet?" asks Achaan Chaah, the Thai meditation master. "For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious." Put simply, knowing that everything will change makes each moment you spend with it more precious. And, that is the opposite of unfeeling and uncaring. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Last updated December, 2017. note: our free guide to mindfulness and meditation really is free - no email or registration required. The link is at the bottom of the page. Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"
Brian writes: "I have always had issues with self-confidence. I can't stop myself from thinking I'm going to fail at what I'm doing (presentations, work, relationships) - no matter how hard I try, the negative thoughts always creep in. In the past, it has sometimes become paralyzing and actually hindered my ability to do anything at all. So, I end up failing as a result of my self-confidence issues! I am wondering if meditation can help me with that, and how? You also talk a lot about being in the 'present moment' - can that help with being more confident and if so, how?" We are fond of saying "You can't escape your mind." It shapes every experience you will ever have, including struggles with self-confidence. In last weeks Q&A, we used the analogy of treating the symptoms instead of the disease (or, as I prefer, the "root cause"). In the case of self-doubt, we try many things to treat the symptoms:
But, none of these things address the root cause - your mind. And, any results you achieve from doing them will be temporary at best. Don't get me wrong - you should strive to expose yourself to (and surround yourself with) positive rather than negative influences. All other things equal, that's the more skillful path. But, it won't solve the problems created by your mind. To deal with confidence issues, you need to strengthen awareness of that "voice in your head" and what it's telling you. You need to understand your compulsive mind and non-stop mental noise. This is exactly what a consistent meditation practice will help you do. Meditating helps you develop the skill of observing thoughts (and all your mind-made activity) as they arise. When you notice them, you have two choices:
If you make the first choice, you are identifying with thoughts. You either believe - or are battling - what your mind is telling you. Those thoughts give rise to emotions which then give rise to more thoughts and more emotions. They bury you in a landslide of mind-made activity that conditions your behavior and dictates your quality of life. If you make the second choice, however, you will see thoughts are temporary: they come and they go. You realize you don't have to follow them down the same old path that results in the same old outcome (for example, self-doubt and self-confidence issues). Your mind tries to convince you that thoughts, emotions, and urges are critical - that they'll never go away, and in many cases are a matter of "life or death." But, you no longer have to take the bait. It's as simple as saying: "There's that thought again - I see it, and I'm letting it be as it is (letting it pass, the same as it came)." It's simple, but it's not easy because you have to practice. You have to put in the time and effort to change the lifetime of conditioning that has led you to this point. A consistent meditation practice helps you strengthen awareness (cultivate mindfulness), which - when applied - will reduce self-doubt and self-confidence issues. It does this by showing you how to shed the delusions of your mind, and how to distance yourself from the mental drama you've been subjected to your entire life. The second part of your question asks about living in the present moment. If your attention is focused on the task at hand - what is happening right here and now - you will perform better at anything you do (washing the dishes, talking with a friend, presenting to an audience, et cetera). If you don't allow your mind to distract you by pulling your attention into the past, projecting it into the future, or creating a fantasy for you to indulge, you are fully dedicated to the present moment and it will be reflected in your efforts and results. Staying grounded in the present moment will also help you accept what happens, and not let it condition (shape, determine) the next moment - and, the moment after that. For instance, if you stumble over a line while making a speech, you learn to accept it and move past it. It has already happened, you can't change it, and you don't get caught up in the mental dialogue telling you that you "screwed up," and that you're doing a bad job. Which almost always leads to more "screwing up." Our minds will often take small stumbles and turn them into HUGE disasters. But, by being mindful, not following thoughts and emotions, and returning our attention to right here and now, we interrupt that process and keep it from unfolding. What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. Last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Today's question: "I work in a very stressful environment, and I have a challenging situation in my family life that causes a lot of frustration and anxiety. I feel that my stress (and frustration/anxiety) isn't 'everyday' stress, it's constant because of my job and family. As such, I don't know that meditation would really help me. I think I need to remove myself from these environments first, otherwise it will just keep coming. What is your advice in matters like this?" We tend to blame our struggles - in your case, stress, frustration, and anxiety - on external circumstances:
Changing these external circumstances might provide temporary relief, but the stress, frustration, and anxiety will always come back. What does this tell you? It should tell you that external circumstances aren't actually responsible for stress, frustration, and anxiety. That's great news because if they were, we'd never be able to find relief! The fact is, there will always be external circumstances to blame for our struggles - life provides an endless supply, whether it's other people, objects and things, or situations we find ourselves in. These external circumstances are the background of our existence, but they are also interchangeable. If you "fix" one that you perceive causes you suffering, it will be replaced by another in short order. The path to liberation begins with realizing that everything "out there" is constantly changing. What we find joy in one day causes us sorrow another day, and vice versa. The things we find pleasant don't last forever, and we suffer when we cling to how they "were" instead of accepting how they are. The things we find unpleasant don't last forever, either - but we constantly try to avoid or escape them, or bury them under distractions that ultimately bring more suffering our way. We spend most of our lives trying to control the world around us. We attempt to surround ourselves with what we like, and shield ourselves from what we don't like. These efforts, ironically, ensure we'll always be at the mercy of the world around us. As such, we live in extremes, going from "high" to "low" and "low" to "high" as if we are riding a roller coaster. Happy, sad, up, down. Continuously buffeted by thoughts and emotions. And, we'll always be stuck on this roller coaster unless we learn to address the root cause. The good news is, the root cause is actually easier to deal with than all the external circumstances. Instead of having thousands of things you are always trying to control and fix, you only have one thing to focus your efforts on. This one thing is your compulsive mind and your relationship with it. Our usual relationship with our minds is that we are continuously lost in them and the non-stop activity they produce. They push and pull us through our day, and our attention is held hostage by a never-ending stream of thoughts, emotions, and urges. All of this conditions our behavior, and dictates our actions and reactions. Being lost in thoughts and emotions is our normal state. And, because it's our normal state, we don't even realize it. It's like a fish not realizing it's surrounded by water, because it's always surrounded by water. This root cause drives us to continuously chase after pleasure and run away from pain. It chains us to the roller coaster fueled by external circumstances that we are always trying to change, control, or fix. How do we address it? We address the root cause by strengthening awareness. What you become aware of, you are no longer victim to. And, through awareness, you can learn not to be caught up in (not to be swept away by) your compulsive mind. How do you strengthen awareness? You strengthen awareness through meditation and mindfulness. Meditating is a formal exercise, and doing it consistently will allow you to see how profoundly distracted you tend to be. More important, it teaches you how to correct this problem through the quality of mindfulness it cultivates. Mindfulness helps you train your attention to focus on what you want it to focus on. And, it helps you develop the ability to observe your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it). This brings us full circle to your question, which is essentially "Why should I try to meditate when I have all these external circumstances in my life that I perceive to cause my problems, struggles, and suffering?" My answer is, because meditating will show you that those problems, struggles, and suffering aren't caused by external circumstances. And, trying to find lasting happiness by controlling and fixing everything "out there" will only keep you on the roller coaster, lurching from one extreme to the next. Meditating and mindfulness help you get off the roller coaster and find a deeper state of contentment that isn't affected by everything that happens "out there." note - another way to re-frame the above discussion is to use the analogy of "treating the symptoms, not the disease." External circumstances are the symptoms, your compulsive mind (and non-stop mental activity) is the disease. You can treat the symptoms (i.e., change your external circumstances), but it won't cure the disease. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. |